Congress Approves $500 Billion For Monument To Human Folly

[Tweek Ⓐ]

WASHINGTON—In recognition of mankind's inherent propensity for tragically foolish decisions, Congress allocated nearly $500 billion Monday for the construction of a new national monument honoring human folly.

"From Hannibal's disastrous crossing of the Alps to Custer's humiliating defeat at Little Bighorn, human history has been plagued by senseless mistakes, and it is high time we built a memorial to honor that history," House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said of the expensive and ill-advised monument. "My deepest hope is that future generations of Americans will one day look upon this pointless edifice and be filled with a sense of awe and wonder at mankind's utter lack of foresight."

"To think of all the ways our time and money could have been better spent," Pelosi continued. "I can imagine no more fitting tribute."

According to the bipartisan plan, the proposed monument will be built precariously over a Washington freeway overpass, and will require as many as 30 years of grueling labor to complete. As a representation of humanity's failure to learn from past mistakes, the project is being designed by the architecture firm of Ganz & Weiss, best known for their work on a series of dangerously constructed St. Louis public housing projects that were condemned in the late 1990s.

"Our goal is to create a structure that, like the human race itself, is doomed from the outset and plagued by innate flaws that can never be corrected," Sen. George Voinovich (R-OH) said of the monument, which he claimed would eventually sink into the federally protected wetlands that surround it. "Not only will it be an aesthetic disaster, but it will also require constant, expensive maintenance just to ensure that the whole foundation doesn't topple suddenly and kill hundreds of innocent people."

The lead architect on the project, Robert Wheeler, told reporters that the monument would be a stirring testament to more than 200,000 years of arrogance, idiocy, and waste. He also confirmed that no fewer than eight different blueprint designs would be clumsily patched together in order to preserve the spirit of indecision and gross incompetence with which mankind has approached the vast majority of its endeavors.

"The face of the building will be covered with recently excavated sections of the Titanic, as well as several faulty pressure valves from the Chernobyl power plant and hundreds of uranium-tipped shell casings from the first Gulf War," said Wheeler, whose design calls for the monument to be surrounded by dozens of oil derricks pumping night and day into bare dirt. "But the most exciting feature of the memorial, in my opinion, is the giant glowing orb at the top that will symbolize humanity's needless overuse of energy and will itself use a staggering 12 gigawatts of power per second."

According to sources, thousands of poorly paid migrant laborers will carry out construction on the monument, digging straight through underground power lines and gas mains in order to clear a space for the soon-to-be dilapidated foundation. In addition, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency confirmed Monday that the construction zone has already been designated as a highly toxic Superfund site, setting the entire project three months behind schedule.

"So far we've spent $40 billion and lost a total of 300 or so construction workers, and we haven't even put in a full day's work," said project manager Tom Matthiessen. "It's been a challenge, but knowing that we're doing this to commemorate the countless lives and resources squandered by human beings throughout history makes it all worthwhile."

Added Matthiessen, "At this rate, I'd say the whole project should be a total, top-to-bottom nightmare by late December."

Although a vast majority of legislators supported the $500 billion bill, a few dissenting voices claimed that the project is an improper use of congressional funds.

"While I am all for paying homage to mankind's tragic legacy of imprudence, surely there are more appropriate ways to do so than this," Sen. Richard Lugar (R-IN) said. "Why can't we simply give the money back to the taxpayers so they can waste it all on bad investments, botched plastic surgery, and misguided real estate deals? Wouldn't that be a more suitable way of recognizing the complete inanity of our pathetic existence?"

At press time, Congress, and all of humanity itself, was trapped in a self-perpetuating loop of failure that is expected to continue until the inevitable extinction of the human species.

[youhavetoforgiveme]

(Siiiiiiiigh) Thanks...you just made my day Tweek :)

With all the crap on this site...I don't put anything past "them"....

[Tweek Ⓐ]

I agree of course Marklar but wheres are gargantuan statue to it? I want my idol to folly!

Youhavetoforgiveme I enjoy the fact that you think its true but its satire man,merely a funny made up story though it would not surprise me to see something like this in the future for real,would not surprise me one bit...

[Marklar]

Why yet another monument to human folly when we have government, Wall Street, Corporatism, Iraq, Afghanistan, the health care industry, big agribusiness, tent cities, the global warming swindle, religion, philosophy, consumerism, copyright and patent law, the courts, the prisons system, well I dare not go on for fear of wasting an entire day on the subject,... but if you really want to see a monument to human folly just crack a beer, open a window, sit back on your couch and enjoy the show to your hearts content.

[youhavetoforgiveme]

I read this and had to Google to make sure that this wasn't a joke...I then read it six times, set it aside, and I've glanced at it again.... I still can't believe it.

Oh my FUCKING God. NOW I've "seen it all".

I submit to you, dear friends, that Congress is deliberately running us into the ground.

Okay...I can see their point about the stupidity of my fellow humans...and they should have "done it right" too! I would THINK that twenty million dollars should have been quite sufficient. Half a trillion dollars???

I don't think so. I do think that Richard Lugar was right though...giving the money back to us would be at least an equally fitting gesture as to the...foolishness?....of man.....

In short, this isn't gross misspending/dereliction of duty. This is stupid.

[Greg aka Sonatadude]

I thought it was funny.

[Tweek Ⓐ]

More like putting down comedy I guess....

[Greg aka Sonatadude]

I wasn't putting you down.

[Tweek Ⓐ]

In other words:
"Don't post anything unless it conforms to my rigid standards of what is "important"

Well thanks Dr.PutDown.

Are you so sure this is humor? It wouldn't surprise me if we see a very similar article on the front page of the likes of the New York Times at any time,why not in this modern age of governmental idiocy?

[Greg aka Sonatadude]

Humor is a temporary anesthetic for serious issues; not a permanent solution for informing society about managed enslavement.